250wordsmith

I feel invigorated after having exchanged fb msgs with his girlfriend. Goodbye, delusions. Hello, closure. We are now reaching the denouement of this story, 250 wordsmith. it will be closing time soon.

M: hi…
Me: (ok…)
M: how are you?
Me: (rhetorical question or should I give him a blow by blow account)
M: I just need to
LEt you know that I didn’t forget about you.
Me: (… and why do you need to let me know? What difference will it make?)
M: …no matter what kai…
Me: (no matter that you currently have a girlfriend whom you had lunch with along with your family? No matter that?)
M: you’re still in my mind
Me: (sure, sure. I ought to be lest you developed amnesia. Mind, not heart. Your words, not mine.)

*after replaying his message and my actual reply over and over in my mind.

That moment when your name blinked in the notifications while I was having a meeting, vertigo.

I have been thinking about you on an irritatingly regular basis.

How could I be such a fool for allowing myself to pine for you after you coolly left me in the dark.

I know you have a girlfriend. I suppose you’re aware of the gossip that facebook is.

I wonder why all of a sudden, months after my birthday in September, you send me that note tonight.

You miss me for sure. I’m no longer deluding myself of that.

Is that its end? You email me to assuage your loneliness? So much for friendship ans its warmth and ease?

That cannot be forced.

For now, I feel fortification in my heart. I am not delusional - I can go on like this, with my chin up and chest out, smug smile on my face.

I am just beginning to arrange my thoughts. U better stand up and act like a man coz if you don’t, I’ll be content with this static heartache.
Until I’m ready and resolved to move on.

We drank beer on this spot when nelly and kelly were hot. No matter what I do all I think about is you. Dang it, as my 11 year old student likes to say, it’s been a f**k*ng decade and it’s still you.

To be strict about it, it will only have been 2 years come 27th of may that you abandoned me I n all totality.

My life has taken a different, vibrant turn now, and still, undeserving as you may be, I long for you, our friendship and your company.

And this yearning has disgusted me so that I decided to vent to am old friend.

She was the first person i’d confessed to about my first one night love affair some 20 years ago. We were college chums and I liked her guilelessness.

10 years after that, in 2003 she went out with my “dang it” student’s uncle… your cousin by affinity.

While I basked in the newness of our secret love, I was comforted by the thought that I’d have an ally in our future circle, my college chum.

Except that their long distance love affair didn’t last long. After their last I love you over the telephone, she never heard from him again.

2013 here I am. I call her up after 2 decades since our last tete-a-tete. I stutter the reason for my call. Until I connect dang it uncle and your respective betrayals and abandonment.

7 years she was in my state, she confessed. 7 years of living in her head, deluding herself that maybe he’d come home to the tropics and surprise her. Yes that was the way of it. One traitor many possibilities; proofs of true love, heart and mind’s dearest wish of the one betrayed.

And just when she’d snapped out of it, she realized (or thought) she was too old.

How timely, she said, I was thinking of that asshole and how i’d wasted the best years of my looks on pining for that traitor.

She never called him. I never did either. Well at least not after you ignored my lenghy email. But i did hold on to The last bastion and vine of dignity left in an honest woman’s tattered heart. Like my friend, I held the urge to call.

We laughed at how two decades seemed like a weekend away from the university stonework benches. And there we were back again, hush hushing about how our paths have crossed again.

Beyond the static longing, after that conversation, I was relieved. Consoled.

And just like turning a leaf, a new chapter, you send me an email the length of a telegram.

“Hi…how are you? I just need to let u know that I didn’t forget about you…no matter what Kai….your still in my mind..”

Seriously, at this moment and after all this time?

stonetemplesummer:

In my experience,this is true…

Can I bitch out on this?

1992 - this hotel was newly opened when we had our js prom. Attended with my first love, the good boy from the school across town.

1994 - attended my h.s. bff’s slumber party with our whole senior class

1995 - 1. Interviewed national celebs here. I was a local tv host back then.
2. Sent off the musician after their first gig in the city. Was a notch higher than bein a groupie as my family produced their first show.

1997 - had a date with ex hubby here, then bf.

2002 - 1. Attended the our town’s version of the wedding of the year (to the tune of Php1m). H.s. bff assigned me to be the emcee while my son was the ringbearer.
Was in the same event as first love and his fam. Was separated from husband by this time.
2. had a date with ex-soulmate here, then soulmate

2004 - had a slumber party during son’s birthday. This was attended by au & daughter and son’s yaya. While son and au’s daughter were fast asleep, the moms took the chance to drink wine under the moonlight by the poolside.

2006 - had another date with ex-soulmate here. That time, I asked him if he wad seeing someone stateside. He said yes. I said, then let’s not cheat on her. He said, this makes me love you more. He drove me home at 4 am. Eraserheads was on the car stereo.

2007 - attended my best guy friend’s ex-gf’s wedding. Was emcee once again. Slid sideways on my thigh while holding wine, passing through marble floor greased by roast beef. This time, was on an alltime high drama mode bein pursued by the 1995 musician and ex-soulmate.

2008- another wedding of the year attended by me and bffs. Neighborhood bffs wedding where gi jane, bff and I were bridesmaids and son was ring bearer. Ex-soulmate was supposed to be my escort but he couldn’t fly to the tropics. By this time, musician and I were an official couple enjoying the freshness of long distance love.

This hotel wad just the ‘dressing room’. This is where first love’s wife and I first interacted while waiting for our turn to be made up. We had a pleasant conversation while first love and his wife’s other girl friends, also part of the entourage, looked on, mouths agape.

2009 - was part of the organizing team of a local personality’s wedding. Was half my size back then. Was a few days shy of being dumped by the musician. I suppose he got tired of my incessant moralizing and he also found someone new. I got stolen, is how he described it.

2012 - first time I attended a job-related seminar after cancer treatment. Won a gift certificate worth php1500. Lucky me!

2013 - today, without a romantic lovelife to speak of, all the memories, wonderful and the not so, all came back as I spent time alone in their breakfast restaurant ( reminiscent of the dining area of the little mermaid for its high ceilings and arched windows) writing in long hand on my new journal.

Lingered till evening. It was my son’s cousin’s birthday dinner. My ex-husband’s nephew. After I’d written in my journal, I hung out with my sister-in-law.

I’m happy that he’s finally happy. Tell his wife I could be her friend.

Just like first love’s wife and me. :-)

This hotel and me

Hot and cold? Broken vow? The eternal question on cold summer nights of calling him or not… finally sound advice illustrated. Found this at the salon while I was having my nails done. Cosmo still gives us girly girls a literal heads-up.

Strange but nice to be texting pleasantries with first love’s beloved wife. Who would’ve thought. I guess we’re both nice like that. Well, first love was a good boy, anyway.

The best thing about surviving breast cancer is how life is much sweeter the second time around.

It’s been too long since my last post and too many things have happened since my last written reverie. That’s another thing! Before breast cancer, I was all about daydreaming, introspection, navel-gazing even, analyzing my life away. And now past the whole rounds of treatment, I am actually living! God has really been prodding me to do things for Him and joyfully. I find myself wanting time to write… because upon waking up and right before I sleep, activity, activity, activity!

But I am thankful! How could I complain? I am finally serving him through the talents He has given me (organizing events and projects; teaching beyond preschool [this time around, I have been sought to teach public speaking to a group of gifted 9-11 year old kids]; helping out the extended family wherever I can. I have found that my network is actually big and thank God He made me who I am, I am able to move around that network with ease and humble expectancy that just as I could help them, they could be of help to me too. It’s all about helping each other, I have found… No wonder being petty is immature, huh.

Tomorrow, my son and I will be serving the Lord through a 3-day live-in seminar, just like the one we attended 2 Februaries ago. My precious boy will be celebrating his 14th birthday on the 4th. That will be day 2 of the seminar. As a mother, I am proud and happy that he will be having a different kind of birthday. Parties are called for, but run of the mill. Here’s a special way of spending it. Well, at least one he will never forget.
Next week, my calendar is full. But I am not complaining. I am grateful for the opportunities to do different things, to face different people.

Last weekend, I had my annual check up post cancer treatment and I could not be more thankful with the results. Prior to my check up, I have been naturally anxious which led me to pray and pray, St. Therese novena after St. Therese novena, rosary after rosary. Then, two days before my schedule, two new girls joined my afternoon class: Melrose and Jannie Rose. A sign from St. Therese: living roses right in my classroom! You could imagine my joy and relief! And yes, the results were great!

So many days have passed since my last entry. I have been doing my writing hobby a disservice in not writing right away what pops out from my fancy little head. So many stories, vignettes.

But this should be it for now. It’s a good start. If I’d gotten cured of cancer and payed all my bills, how difficult could it be to have a month-long get away at my favorite island and write the days away?

Thank you, Lord, for the blessing of this wonderful, amazing life… indeed You have written Your Victory through me. Thank you for the privilege.